


Save Yourself

by queensguardian



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, Alternate Ending, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 02:09:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4329753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queensguardian/pseuds/queensguardian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fix-it fic of sorts, because my Shepard would never just accept what that asshole kid said without question.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Save Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> ThaI have included, at the beginning, exactly the dialogue between the child and Shepard, for those who may have forgotten what happened at the conclusion of Mass Effect 3. Spoilers, obviously. If you would like to skip this to where my actual interpretation begins, please skip down to the line of **************. Thanks! Enjoy!

                “Wake up.”

                Shepard blinks her eyes open, fighting dizziness and pain and sheer exhaustion to bring herself to standing. “What? Where am I?”

                The environment is unfamiliar, but the battle that rages around her is not. The child from her dreams stands before her, lit up like starlight and staring at her with cold eyes.

                “The Citadel. It’s my home.” His voice is clear with youth, but it masks a darker, deeper voice, ageless and wise and unnerving. This place doesn’t look like the Citadel, but the planet just beyond them is unmistakably Earth.

                “Who are you?”

                “I am the Catalyst.”

                “I thought the Citadel was the Catalyst.”

                “No. The Citadel is part of me.”

                “I need to stop the Reapers. Do you know how I can do that?”

                “Perhaps. I control the Reapers. They are my solution.”

                “The Solution to what?”

                “Chaos. The created will always rebel against their creators. But we found a way to stop that from happening, a way to restore order”

                “By wiping out organic life?”

                “No. We harvest advanced civilizations, leaving the younger ones alone. Just as we left your people alive the last time we were here.”

                “But you killed the rest.”

                “We helped them ascend so they could make way for new life, storing the old life in Reaper form.”

                “I think we’d rather keep our own form.”

                “No, you can’t. Without us to stop it, synthetics would destroy all organics. We’ve created the cycle so that never happens.”

                ***

                “Where did the Reapers come from? Did you create them?”

                “My creators gave them form. I gave them function. They, in turn, give me purpose. The Reapers are a synthetic representation of my creators.”

                “And what happened to your creators?”

                “They became the first true Reaper. They did not approve, but it was the only solution.”

                “You said that before, but how do the Reapers solve anything?” Shepard’s voice cracks, her emotion and fatigue betraying her, and she curses her weakness, though she doubts it affects the child’s opinion of her.

                “Organics create synthetics to improve their own existence, but those improvements have limits. To exceed those limits, synthetics must be allowed to evolve. They must by definition, surpass their creators. The result is conflict, destruction, chaos. It is inevitable. Reapers harvest all life—organic and synthetic—preserving them before they are forever lost to this conflict.

                ***

                “But you’re taking away our future. Without a future, we have no hope. Without hope…we might as well be machines programmed to do what we’re told.”

                “You have hope. More than you think. The fact that you are standing her, the first organic ever, proves it. But it also proves my solution won’t work anymore.

                “So now what?”

                “We find a new solution.”

                Why are you telling me this? Why help me?”

                “You have altered the variables.”

                “What do you mean?”

                “The Crucible changed me, created new…possibilities. But I can’t make them happen. If there is to be a new solution, you must act. It is now in your power to destroy us. But be warned: others will be destroyed as well. The Crucible will not discriminate. All synthetics will be targeted. Even you are partly synthetic.”

                “What exactly will happen?”

                “Your Crucible device appears to be largely intact. However, the effects of the blast will not be constrained to the Reapers. Technology you rely on will be affected, but those who survive should have little difficulty repairing the damage. There will still be losses, but no more than what has already been lost.”

                “But the Reapers will be destroyed?”

                “Yes, but the peace won’t last. Soon, your children will create synthetics, and then the chaos will come back.”

                “There has to be another way…”

                “There is… you could instead you the energy of the Crucible to seize control of the Reapers.”

                “So… the illusive man was right after all.”

                “Yes, but he could never have taken control, because we already controlled him.”

                “But I can?”

                “You will die. You will control us, but you will lose everything you have.”

                “How can I control the Reapers if I’m dead?”

                “Your corporeal form will be dissolved, but your thoughts, and even your memories, will continue. You will no longer be organic. Your connection to your kind will be lost, though you will remain aware of their existence.”

                “But the Reapers will obey me?”

                “Yes. We will be yours to control and direct as you see fit. There is another solution. Synthesis.”

                “And that is?”

                “Add your energy to the Crucible’s. The chain reaction will combine all synthetic and organic life into a new framework. A new…DNA.”

                “Explain how my energy can be added to the Crucible.”

                “Your organic energy, the essence of who and what you are, will be broken down and then dispersed.”

                “To do what, exactly?”

                “The energy of the Crucible, released in this way, will alter the matrix of all organic life in the galaxy. Organics seek perfection through technology. Synthetics seek perfection through understanding. Organics will be perfected by integrating fully with synthetic technology. Synthetics, in turn, will finally have full understanding of organics. It is the ideal solution. Now that we know it is possible, it is inevitable we will reach synthesis.”

                “Why couldn’t you do it sooner?”

                “We have tried…a similar solution in the past. But it has always failed.”

                “Why?”

                “Because the organics were not ready. It is not something that can be…forced. You are ready. And you may choose it.”

                “I…I don’t know.”

                “Why not? Synthetics are already part of you. Can you imagine life without them?”

                “And there will be peace?”

                “The cycle will end, the Reapers will cease their harvest, and the civilizations preserved in their forms will be connected to all of us. Synthesis is the final evolution of all life. The paths are open. But you have to choose.”

                *****************************************************************************

                “Why do I have to choose one of your options? You say you’ve been watching me, that you know me. If that’s true then you know I’m not very good at just following directions. Why should I choose one of your paths, when I can make one for myself?”

                The child paused, but gave no other sign of surprise. “You could, I suppose. But be careful in your thinking. It is easy for organics to make a selfish decision, as the self is what is naturally most important to you. And hurry. There is little time to choose.”

                “You said that synthesis will end all the cycles. That the Reapers will continue, and that previous civilizations will be known to us through them. But what will happen to you?”

                “In a sense, I will be destroyed, and you will take my place. I am the embodiment of all Reapers, but by combining organic and synthetic life, you give them independent consciousness. They will still be connected, as it is in their nature to do so, but they will be capable of reason, and independent thought, much like the Geth. And much like the Geth, by dispersing yourself, you influence them with your personality. By sharing your consciousness with them, you reduce the odds to almost zero that they will ever tend toward violence again. Their basic nature will be changed. And I will be gone.”

                “Why wouldn’t you try to stop me?”

                “Because I am merely a representation of the Reapers. I am an AI, as you said. I am capable of putting the importance of finding a new solution above my own form.”

                “What if we melded our consciousness, and then you went into the beam instead of me?”

                The child stared for endless seconds as blasts lit up like fireworks in the distance. He—it didn’t blink, or move, until it seemed to reach a decision.

                “This…would be possible. It is both the logical and selfish solution. I predict that it would achieve the same effect, but only if part of you comes with me. While I can download—so to speak—your own organic consciousness, I cannot physically bring the organic matter necessary for the complete synthesis.”

                Shepard considered this for a moment, and then pulled her long knife from its sheath. “What would you need to complete the process? And what do you mean, you would ‘download’ my consciousness?”

                The child considered for another moment. “I mean that my own consciousness will be erased. I will be a synthetic body, with an organic consciousness—your consciousness. You will be largely unaffected, excepting that you would be a part of all future species, and a part of the collective Reaper consciousness. And in regard to your first question, I believe that your hand would be sufficient. But not your right hand—that is of Cerberus design. I need purely organic material, as I am purely inorganic. Your left hand is still solely your own. I believe it would work.”

                “Why my hand?” Shepard asked, kneeling to the ground and placing her hand on the ground without any hesitation. At least without any outward hesitation.

                “Because your hand contains the DNA we need, while also holding a significant emotional importance to not only humans, but all organic life forms that use grasping appendages. Your fingerprints hold cultural significance, for identification above all else, and your hands themselves hold meaning for each individual in the species. Think about how often you use your hands, Shepard. For everything in human life, hands are important. Other parts of the human structure that would work would include eyes, tongue, and heart. But I believe that the hands would be the easiest for you to part with while still ensuring the success of the new solution.”

                “Right. Got it.” Shepard raised the blade above her hand, and took a deep breath. “Wait. Why didn’t you give me this option sooner?”

                The child smiled, its false eyes staring deeply into Shepard’s. “If I had given you a solution that saved your own individual life, it would not have been your solution. It would have been mine. I had to put the needs of the many above your own personal needs. You needed to save yourself, Shepard. No one else has ever been able to do that for you.”

                Chills ran down Shepard’s spine, and she grit her teeth with fresh determination. There was no use arguing with this child. This ancient child, whose wisdom about all species was immeasurable but who could not understand the basic principle of individual worth.

                “H-how do I know I can trust you?”

                “You cannot. There is no possible way to guarantee anything in this life, for synthetics or organics. All decisions made, whether by an individual or a collective force, change the pathways for each life in existence. Think of the choice you make now. You change not only the fate of everyone in this universe, but your own as well. You not only preserve this ‘hope’ that you so value for your people, but your own hope. In another universe you made a purely selfish decision, or a purely logical one. But in this universe, you have made the decision that suits you the best. A decision that was not even available to you, and yet you chose it anyway. But if you need a reason to trust me, and a way to gather the courage necessary to separate your hand from your body, than perhaps you can trust me because in absorbing your consciousness, I give up myself, and that is the logical thing to do. I am not capable of making a purely selfish decision. I was simply not created for it, and I have not evolved to do so.”

                “I see.” Shepard looked around once more at the destruction occurring on her home planet, and in the end, it was that, and not the twisted words of the child, that made up her decision. The sacrifices happening down on Earth and around the galaxy simply could not be tolerated any longer.

                She took a deep breath, stuffing the hilt of another knife in her mouth so she wouldn’t bite off her tongue. And plunged.

                The child stepped forward as she removed her hand. It didn’t come off with the first stab, so she did it again, dragging the sharp knife slowly and purposefully through the resisting flesh. Through the pain, she didn’t even notice the child place its hands on her head, and close its eyes. When she finished hacking off her hand, a wave of nausea passed through her, and she turned to vomit, ignoring the blood rushing out of the wound as best as she can.

                “Shepard.” The voice addressing her was no longer the child’s. When she finished retching and moved her shaky head to look at the child, she saw that the AI had taken a new form. Her own form.

                “You…” she rasped. “You are me.”

                “I am. We are one mind now, Shepard. I understand now, the struggles that humanity has gone through, and the weight of individual life that we feel. When I step into the beam, I have no doubt that you will feel the weight of my life as it dissolves. You will feel it as though it were your own.”

                The Catalyst knelt to pick up Shepard’s human hand, and Shepard saw that as a true reflection of herself, the Catalyst was missing her left hand as well.

                “Do you have a name?” Shepard asked, trying with every last ounce of her strength to stand up, nearly failing several times.

                “I am the Catalyst. It is who I have always been, and who I am still. Though I am closer in spirit to you as I have ever been to anyone, I am still not an individual with an independent mind. I am not similar to your EDI. I am still just the Catalyst.”

                The AI turned, and began the walk to the beam. It twisted back to look at Shepard one last time. “Stand, Shepard. I have unjammed your signal. The Normandy is waiting just outside this space. I suggest you put on your helmet and run. Save yourself, as you have always done.”

                With the knowledge that the Normandy was still there; still waiting for her to lead them, Shepard stood, clutching her bleeding arm to her chest. “Thank you.”

                “You have found the new solution. I should be thanking you. I will stall as best I can until you have boarded your ship, but I cannot stall forever.”

                Shepard pressed a button on the armor around her neck for the emergency helmet, and tapped her omnitool.

“Joker? Come in Joker?”

“ _Shepard!”_ Joker’s voice was filled with relief. “Where are you? We need to get out of here!”

“I-I’m in the Citadel.” Shepard fought off a wave of nausea and raised her shotgun to aim it at the citadel glass. “At the top of the weapon. I’m about to blast a hole in it. Please be ready to get me in about five seconds.” She used the last of her bullets to shatter the glass of the Citadel and launch herself toward the Normandy outside. When Joker spied her floating in space, he sent out the Kodiak, and then Liara was there, pulling her in, sealing the air lock, and clutching her as they reached the safety of the Normandy.

                “We h-have to get out of here.” Shepard gasped, and Liara understood, Liara always understood.

                “Joker, did you get that?”

                “Got it. We’re already gone.”

                LIara helped Shepard up, and soon Garrus was there, and Tali too. “We’ve got you, Shep.”

                Shepard didn’t know who said it, didn’t care. She was dizzy, and the cold, unfeeling commander part of her knew she’d lost a lot of blood, and her chances of making it were dwindling by the second. As they dragged her to the med bay, she felt a wave pass through the ship; felt it jolt everyone there.

                “What was that?” Tali shouted, never failing as she struggled to help Shepard down the hallway.

                “Don’t know,” Garrus panted, hefting up more of Shepard’s weight. At this point, they were basically carrying her. “We’ll worry about it later.”

                LIara didn’t speak until they’d reached the med bay and everyone else had left, even after Dr. Chakwas had finished the surgery and the new synthetic hand was in place. She didn’t speak as she sat with Shepard, or as everyone marveled at the new green synthetic additions to their bodies. She did not look in a mirror, she did not glance down at her arms. She stared at Shepard’s body; at how the pulsing synthetic veins now glowed on her lover’s mottled wounded skin.

                She did not take food when offered, nor did she sleep. She watched, and she waited. And for three days, no one bothered her.

                On the fourth day, Garrus and Tali met outside the med bay.

                “She has to eat. She’ll starve herself waiting.” Garrus held up a lunch bag, waving it in Tali’s face.

                “Yes, Garrus,” Tali slapped his hand away. “I know. What do you propose we tell her? ‘Hey, LIara, I know you lover and the savior of the universe may or may not be on life support forever, but you’re looking a little peaked, and you should really eat something.’”

                Garrus paused for a moment. “Yeah, that’ll do. Let’s go.”

                “Garrus, no.” Tali stopped him, before lightly punching him in the arm. “I’ll do it. You clearly are not capable.”

                “Is that a challenge, Admiral?” Garrus stepped closer, mandibles flaring momentarily.

                “Now is not the time and you know it. Now come on, let’s go. Liara needs us. You know how pissed Shepard would be if we let her starve to death on our watch.”

                They made their way into the med bay, slowly coming up to stand next to Liara. She had her face in her hands, and from the looks of it, she hadn’t moved from her position at Shepard’s side in a long time.

                “Liara?” Tali said quietly, coming close enough to lay a hand on her friend’s shoulder.

                Liara flinched a little. “Sorry, Tali. I’ve been a little on edge lately. What is it?”

                “Of course you’re on edge. Shepard is lying on that table and she might not ever wake up, and to top it off, we don’t have a damn clue what happened to her. We’re all on edge. But you have to eat, Liara. If you die, Shepard is going to murder us.”

                “Garrus!” Tali punched him in the arm, but Liara just shook her head.

                “No, Tali, it’s alright. He’s right. I would be incredibly foolish to let a broken heart kill me this way. There is too much work left to do. Just because the Reapers are no longer a threat doesn’t mean we are done.”

                “It’s going to turn out alright, Liara. I believe Shepard would say ‘Chin up.’” Garrus set the bag down in front of the Asari, before pulling a chair up beside her. Tali joined him, and they sat in watch while the machines keeping Shepard alive beeped and pulsed in the tense quiet. Shepard’s new synthetic additions throbbed a vibrant green.

                “Why isn’t the synthesis healing her?” Liara asked quietly, folding her hands and slouching forward in her chair. Her food remained untouched.

                “We don’t know anything about it yet. We don’t know the extent of its protection, or its abilities. What we do know is that Shepard was hit by a damn Reaper beam, and she’s still alive and here with us. I think that’s pretty amazing. She’ll pull through it. Not because she has any new technology or synthetic DNA, but because she’s Shepard, and it’d take a hell of a lot more than this to kill her.”

                Liara smiled, leaning over to press her shoulder against Garrus’s. “You’re right. She’s stronger than any Reaper. Remember that time she stood one down on her own with just a gun while we took it down from above?”

                “Who could forget? She yelled at us the whole time about getting in position. Or remember how she drove the damn Mako?”

                “I certainly remember you screaming like a baby the whole time.”

                The room fell silent as Shepard herself raised a shaking hand to rub at her forehead.

                “Shepard…” Liara started, only to fall silent. Words could not capture the emotion she felt.

                “Well what’s everybody staring for? Don’t you all have work to do? Why are there needles stuck to my arms?” That outburst promptly shattered the tense silence, as all three of the Commander’s friends frantically pulled her hands away from where they were trying to rip out her IVs.

                Once the dust had settled and Chakwas had run every test in the book and Shepard had checked out her new synthetic programming, everyone finally sat down to listen to her story.

                “So I shot a hole through the Citadel window and drifted out into space. And there you all were. And apparently I’ve been sleeping ever since.”

                “…So the weapon was an ancient synthetic human child who was capable of the same mind meld that the Asaris are capable of, and he gave you a bunch of choices to save the universe but really wanted you to make your own choice all along?”

                “Well. I don’t think he was actually a human child. He changed form when we melded. I assume he thought taking the form of an innocent member of my species would make him appear to be less of a threat to me. As for the mind meld, maybe he used Asari technology and adapted it to his use. I don’t really care, to be honest. He’s gone now.”

                “Actually, wouldn’t he be immortal, considering his consciousness has been spread throughout the universe?”

                “Was it his consciousness? Or yours, Shepard?”

                “I have no idea whatsoever. Do any of you suddenly have the desire to drive recklessly?”

                “Not a chance. I’m happy letting Joker do the driving, thanks.”

                “Then I guess we’ll never know.”

                They sat in companionable silence, the four of them reflecting on everything that had happened and everything there was still left to do. But after a few minutes of the peace, Garrus cleared his throat.

                “So, as nice as this is, watching Shepard sit still is like watching a Salarian play human sports. What’s next? Shepard, I know you have a plan, don’t even pretend you want to retire.”

                “As nice as retirement sounds, you’re right, Garrus. There’s too much to do. Let’s contact the council, see how the repairs to the Citadel are doing. Joker, let’s get going to Rannoch in the meantime. I personally would like to see exactly what Tali’s plans are for her house. Now everyone help me up; I’m sleeping in my own bed tonight if it kills me.”

                Once settled in her room, everyone left for the night, save the one person Shepard had really been wanting to talk to. The Asari paced the room for a moment, fiddling with the various items Shepard had left strewn around in her frenetic last few weeks of battle.

                “This room really isn’t up to Alliance code in terms of cleanliness, Shep.” Her blue fingers traced the dusty model of the Normandy, before drifting to twitch nervously at her sides. “I might have to report you.”

                “Well, given the fact that I just saved the Universe from an unending cycle of being harvested by synthetics in order to save us from synthetics, I think I get a by.” Shepard reclined back against her pillows, feeling exhaustion in every limb. A few days had not given her nearly enough sleep, and Liara had gotten even less. “Come here. I heard you haven’t been getting any rest.”

                Liara silently moved to Shepard’s bed, before climbing in and curling up at her side. “Yes, well. It was very difficult to sleep knowing you might never wake up.”

                Shepard took Liara’s hand in her own, tracing the patterns of purple specs on the palm. “I always come back. You know that.”

                “Well it really didn’t seem like it this time. We almost had to leave you, regardless of whether you survived the whole ordeal in the first place.”

                Shepard turned to face her lover, bringing their hands to rest in between them. She read the worry lines on Liara’s face; saw how terrified Liara had been and how even now her main concern was for Shepard. “I’m sorry I scared you. But I’m here now. I made it back to you—for you.”

                Liara met Shepard’s gaze for the first time, and her eyes shone with tears. “And I can’t describe to you how glad that makes me. Shepard…I’m so sorry about Anderson.”

                “Me too. He’d be so happy to know we succeeded.”

                “He loved you like a daughter, you know. Always favored you above everyone else.”

                “Yeah, I know. He was always a softie, underneath the military bullshit.”

                “You’re one to talk!” The Asari poked Shepard in the forehead, laughing when the Commander let out an exaggerated groan of pain.

                “I am a Spectre! I am the embodiment of the full military might of the Alliance! I am not a _softie!_ ”

                “You’re a big baby and you know it. But it’s why we all love you so much, you’ve always been good at empathy.” Liara leaned forward and gently kissed the spot she’d poked, before planting another kiss on a bruise on Shepard’s cheek, and finally one on her chapped lips.

                “I have to tell you, for a while there it seemed like the best decision to just give up and take one of the options the kid gave me. I was just so tired, and I’d been hit by a Reaper beam, and Anderson… the only thing that kept me going was you.” Shepard had to clear her throat, overwhelmed by emotion for a moment. “All I could think when I made my own choice was that it was what you would have done. And that maybe by choosing something else I could make it back to you. Maybe that was selfish, I don’t know. The kid warned me against being selfish with my decision.”

                “It wasn’t selfish.” Liara frowned at the look of disbelief Shepard gave her. “Well, maybe it was a bit selfish. But you still managed to save everyone. Not only all the different peoples you banded together, but also the lives of the Geth, and Edi. And yourself. It is not a crime to want to save yourself, Shepard.”

                “I don’t know if I made the right decision.”

                “And you won’t. You can’t know if you made the perfect decisions in this war. You never will. And you’ll probably have to talk to someone about all this—and not just me. You were having nightmares _before_ you got struck by a Reaper beam and had to make a life-changing decision to save the galaxy. I can only imagine…but that is a discussion for another time. I have something to tell you.”

                “We aren’t done talking about this,” Shepard warned, before pressing a kiss to Liara’s mouth. “But tell me. What is it?”

                “Well…you know how we talked about those little blue children?”

                Shepard nodded, furrowing her brown in confusion. When she didn’t understand immediately, Liara rolled her eyes and took Shepards hand, guiding it to rest on her own stomach. Shepard’s eyes darted down to her flat, toned stomach, and back up to stare at her face.

                “You…you’re pregnant?”

                “Mmm. I wasn’t sure until the last couple days, which was really quite unfair, given the fact that I thought you might never know. But yes, I’m fairly confident that I am.” Liara gazed at Shepard with so much love and relief that Shepard felt tears well up in her eyes.

                “Little blue children…Oh my God, Liara. This is…this is incredible.” Shepard caressed her stomach, making Liara give a watery giggle, through her tears.

                “I’m so glad you’re happy about this. I know the timing isn’t exactly perfect…”

                “Are you kidding? Our first child will be born into the dawn of a new universe. She’ll be able to witness so many new things! All the different species of our galaxy working together to build a better future! This child… this child is a blessing.” Shepard moved down in the blankets so she was eye level with Liara’s stomach. “Hello, little one,” she cooed. “You are so, so loved.”

                Liara felt more tears spill down her cheeks. This was the Shepard she knew and loved, come back to her from the dead and settling all her fears with the stroke of a hand. Shepard looked up to meet her eyes, and her smile froze on her face. She eased back up so she was basically sitting on Liara’s lap, and cradled her face in her hands.

                “What is it? Why are you crying?” Shepard brushed the tears away with her thumbs, leaning in to kiss the tracks they’d made.

                “I’m just so happy you’ve come back to me, Shepard. I was so afraid…”

                “I’m back. And I’m never leaving you again. Either of you. I love you, Liara. With every part of my being, I love you.”

                Liara surged up to kiss her, wrapping her arms around Shepard and holding her close. “And I love you,” she whispered back. “To the ends of the universe. I’m so glad I have the chance to tell you that again.”

**Author's Note:**

> Would you guys like to see a series about this? If people want to read more, please let me know. Thanks for reading!


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